Emotional Truma

this is one of those things where my emotions are going to burst.
just had a heart to heart talk with my mom. i used to bottle up everything inside but now that i have let it all out, i feel so much lighter. so heres the deal, for years i have been made an outsider in my own team. oh your too young for this and that, then i grew up. things had'nt changed. i had stopped nagging them to stop playing a start working a long time ago. i had found out that to get them to follow all u have to do is lead the way. but i am still an out sider in the team. i never go for team outings cause no one invites me, i showed up for training one day when the rest had conspired not to come. always putting up a mask, seemingly not caring. but deep down, it hurt badly. even the mother know how i don't seem to belong to the team, how im so "unpopular". shit lah. all i do is concentrate on wat im supposed to be doing wich is training and studying and i hate gossip. i hate cliques even more. they divide pple, until we are so secluded and blinded. wat's wrong with standing up for what i believe in. i know i have a strong moral background, i even have will power to endure all the taunting i get because of it. on the outside i laugh at all the silly things pple do, on the inside, im just cracking in two. my friends in school respect me for this. in school i am "popular" or so they call it. (im opposed to labeling too, who's to say what u are? it's up to u who u make yourself to be.) but nooooooooo. those evil bitches in synchro just won't let go. seriously. i didnt even know i was so seperated until my mom had a loooong chat with another parent. im so hurt and torn up emotionally inside. all synchro's fault. i know that over the years, synchro has really built my character. i have learnt to be disciplined(even when those around me wernt), to really look at human character and relationships, gained countless life experiences and so much more. but now more than ever, synchro seems to be testing me. last year, i was torn between being there for my team even though i was reserve and having the time of my life with my friends on a school trip. i chose synchro. on more than one occasion i had to scacrifice things for the sport without regrets. this year though is worse. the sport is testing my character and moral fiber. i boils down to this: 1) be the popular person or at least part of the group but sacrificing my beliefs- being strong independant, with studies coming first, not going to outings, not to gossip... i sound like a geek but whatever. 2) standing up for what i think is right but being "unpopular"
to me it is obvious that 2 is the one. (okay i've gone and drabbled and i dun think this makes any sense, but this is pure emotion right now which is just starting to calm down.)
they accused me of being too judgmental. wth!!!!!!! okay they might be right, my mom has told me i show it in my body expressions even though i keep quiet. but the others will put on a sweet face but behind others backs they are bitching like hell. at least i tell them straight to pple's face exactly what i think though it might not be verbally said. for goodness sake pple! this is the 20th century, but now we are no different from those living hundreds of years ago. in the west and east, women had no say, it is sometimes still the case today. some things just can't be said. if i tell pple my opinion in the nicest way possible as a form of constructive critism, it would be considered rude in my chinese culture, especially to elders.
and i know this is isolated to synchro cause i at least think i am well like in school and prefects.
okay now that ive calmed down a bit let me share two very stratling things i learnt today:
1) pple( or at least parents and adults) think im pretty. i was like your kidding me. i never thought myself to be pretty in the least. and u know wat my mom's friend said???? " youre lucky she doesnt realise she's pretty." like ?????????????
2) mel went to a rock concert when she just said concert. i had assumed a choir concert. she was supp to be at training!!!!and worst, i covered for her!!!! this info has shaken my trust in her. must be more careful.